During ages three to seven, interest begins to shift from wanting autonomy to concern for “Who am I (as a boy or a girl)?” Awareness of one’s sexual identity becomes important. Boys tend to seek their mother’s attention; girls may act to get their fathers to notice them. Parents are often confused by a son’s remark that “I’m going to marry Mama when I grow up” or a daughter’s remark that “I wish Mama would go away so I could have Daddy to myself.” Another difficult crisis exists for children who did not happen to be born the “right” sex to please their parents. They are in the constant process of deciding what kind of person to be and developing a sense of purpose for living.

When children’s efforts at self-understanding and goal setting are misunderstood, punished, or ridiculed, they experience guilt. Guilt is not the same as shame. Shame is more likely to stem from a sense of inferiority at not being able to be autonomous. Guilt is experienced at not being able to please others. If a person often takes initiative and is disapproved, then the power to set goals that have purpose and meaning may be suppressed or seriously damaged.

When a child hears messages like “I’ll decide what you should do and you better obey me,” he or she may experience extreme feelings of guilt for breaking even minor rules. Children may stop thinking for themselves if they are criticized when they do so. They may develop a compulsive need to please others, and the “others” may not be willing to be pleased by anything less than perfection. Thus the purposeful goal-setting urges that develop in preschool years may be thwarted or distorted. For this person, goals that need to be self-determined may be difficult to decide upon in later life.

If the crisis of initiative versus guilt is resolved, however, a person is able to take more initiative without feeling guilty, even if the initiated action is far from perfect. These people have a sense of purpose and know the power of it, and they have a conscience about using it. Life has meaning. Happiness is discovered through using the power of purpose to set and achieve realistic goals.