Intimacy versus isolation is the next developmental crisis. It is related to unresolved issues around trust or nontrust which begin to surface again between ages eighteen and thirty. “Dare I trust someone enough to be truly intimate, or shall I withdraw and insulate myself instead?” “Am I important enough so that someone will come if I need them?” “Will they accept me as I am with all my unresolved needs?” “If I love other people, will they eventually leave me?”

One of the mistakes many people make when they form intimate relationships is to expect the other person to be trustworthy in every area of life, 100 percent of the time. That is seldom, if ever, the case. Everybody makes promises to themselves and others, and everybody breaks some of their promises. This happens by intent or by accident, and when it does, one person usually defends and justifies himself or herself by offering a “reason” for the broken promise. The other person defends and justifies his or her anger or despair. “I just couldn’t help it” is a widely heard plea for forgiveness. “But you promised!” is the widely heard retort and plea for commitment.

The capacity to love, with a mutual devotion that can endure and reduce normal differences of opinions and antagonisms, grows more readily if the earlier trust issues arising from birth to one-and-a-half-years old have been resolved. Strongly based on awareness of personal identity and commitment to fidelity, love, as it develops between eighteen and thirty, is selective and is often experienced as a shared identity. Without love, life seems empty and hopeless, and loneliness seems inevitable.

People speak of love in many ways. They say they are “falling in love” or “falling out of love” or they speak of “making love” or “losing love.” They speak of loving their cat or dog, their garden or car, their children, their spouse. However people may speak of it or define it, love is usually recognized as an intense emotion that gives pleasure and delights when it is reciprocal and leads to agony when it is not.

Love is often confused with romance, although they are not the same. Romantic love is usually short-term and an exaggeration of emotional highs and lows. It is somewhat manic-depressive. It’s like being on a roller coaster going up to the peak of excitement then dropping suddenly. This kind of love can have a high cost.

Real love is more comprehensive. It may also have highs and lows, yet underneath both feelings is a steady current of trust and appreciation. Between some people, love involves sexual desire. Always it includes unconditional good will and the yearning for closeness that is a part of intimacy. Love protects from the sadness of isolation and the terror of abandonment.

The freedom to be oneself and the happiness when sharing confidences and interests is lovingly experienced in the context of friendship. The happy person is one who counts both family and nonfamily members as friends and takes time and effort to cultivate and encourage the growth of friendships. Whereas idealism, romanticism, and adventure characterize friendships in youth, the reinforcing cement of love, without possessiveness, characterizes more mature relationships; in nonpossessive relationships, people keep their own identities and encourage others to do the same.

Because life without love reinforces negatives, it is important to assess one’s friendships. Some people remain friends with others only if it is to their financial, social, or emotional advantage. Knowingly or unknowingly, they use others and, in the using, are often abusive of what the friend has to give. This is not friendship; it may give some mutual satisfaction, but the satisfaction is usually temporary. Eventually, the relationship begins to feel restrictive or boring to those involved, often because it has been based on use instead of on love.