Peoples’s perceptions of themselves is a funny thing, very often it is diametrically opposed to what even the people closest to them think, friends, family, spouses often perceive you very differently then you perceive yourself. A case in point, the other day I was having dinner with one of my friends who is a good person and has a lot of great qualities. Unfortunately, sensitivity is not one of those qualities, she might be the least sensitive person I have ever met, basically she is a ” bull in a china shop’” I could give you endless examples but for time’s sake you will just have to take my word for it. As we were eating she made the comment ” and you know how sensitive I am,” honestly, I nearly choked when she said that in all earnest. Now, we all know this person, we all have that friend that really has no clue as to how they truly are, but the truth is while this case in point is an extreme example, self perception is usually off base.

Let me give you a few examples, most people think they are a lot smarter than they are, do you know anyone who says” I’m really not that bright, actually I’m kind of stupid.” And this is scientifically proven, when most people are asked to identify their intelligence levels and then given tests after, guess what? they usually score much lower than they estimated. Take the example of my friend above, if you were to ask most people if they are sensitive, what do you think they would say? And again, tests have shown people’s perception of their own sensitivity is far higher then they score on the test. Do you known anyone who says I’m ugly or not attractive?

Psychology today magazine has examined this phenomenon and they have come up with four spots. “Bright spots” which are known by you and others, things such as, you are out going, or a liberal. “Dark Spots” which are things not known by you or others, it may be something like what motivates you to compete, perhaps you are sub consciously trying to prove something to your father, for example. “Personal Spots” things that are known only to you, in my case I may seem fine at a party, but the truth is crowds may make very anxious. And finally “Blind Spots”,these are things known only by others and usually misconceived by ourselves, examples might be hostility, being overly defensive, or as mentioned earlier your intelligence or attractiveness.

The last two, “personal spots” and “bright spots” are the most relevant in how we perceive ourselves and how others view us. When we know something about ourselves that others are not privy to it very often leads to misconception. Shy people are often considered moody or arrogant because they don’t talk. In the absence of something positive most people perceive a negative even though that may not be the case. You may meet a shy person at a party, he just doesn’t say much, he is not rude or aggressive, he is simply quiet. In the absence of friendliness most people feel the person is unfriendly, although there is no such evidence to support that feeling. Meanwhile, the shy person feels he was totally nice, said hello, was polite, just not engaging, and he is surprised that the person he met felt he was arrogant. This is why out going and exuberant people are generally liked even though they may or may not be good people. They fill a void by promoting themselves and their personalities, they usually are likable so people have no room for interpretation, and most people don’t look for the “dark spots.”

So the question is how do you become more self aware? How do you get an accurate perception of yourself and change the misconceptions? The best way is talk to the people who know you best, the ones you trust. Find out what people really think about you and be willing to take some criticism. If it is your “personal spots” that lead to the misconception you can work on those. For instance, if you are shy you can practice looking people in the eye, perhaps try to be more engaging. If it is the “blind spots” that lead to the misconception then there may be a need for a self examination or a reality check. Communication is the key to any relationship, but to do that properly one must have an honest appraisal of his or herself, and then be able to communicate that to the other person in any form of relationship.