Get into a comfortable position and imagine you are looking at a good-sized TV screen on which the story of your life is being played. Spend a few moments looking very closely at yourself as you are now; then, on a sheet of paper, jot down answers to the following questions and complete the following sentences.
- If I had had ideal parents when I was little, I would now:
- The ideal parents would have been:
- They would have acted:
- As they were neither perfect nor ideal, I need to start learning how to be a positive coach and ask myself:
- What do I need to say to myself that will encourage me to take the next step?
- If I die soon, what might be put on my tombstone? Does that please me? Is it good enough?
- What do I need to begin to do now so that I will be remembered with a positive and powerful statement?
- Dare I say to myself, “You can do it. Yes, you can do it.”
My Personality, Then and Now
The study of personality is fascinating. The study of your own personality can be even more stimulating. To begin such a study, sit back, take a couple of deep breaths, and relax for a moment. Let your memory drift back to when you were a child. See yourself as you once were, in several different situations. Try to hear your words and the tone of your voice when you spoke. Then reflect on the following.
- What kind of personality do you think you had? For example, was it warm and friendly?
Quiet and obedient? Fearful and escapist?
- Do you think any of your traits were inherited?
- Why do you think that?
- What parts of your personality might have developed in response to your situation and experiences in school or in the geographical area and culture in which you lived?
- Why do you think that?
Now consider your current life.
- How is your personality similar to the way you were in childhood?
- Has it changed? How might people describe you now?
- Are you satisfied with what you currently feel and think about your personality?
Influences from the Past
As a brief introduction to self-reparenting, think of some of the important people in your childhood. Consider how they tried to parent you. Did they give advice, do things for you, or tell you how you should act or change?
Write out responses to the following.
- Important people to me in my childhood:
- How they acted, or tried to act, as parents to me:
- How this affected me then:
- How it affects me now:
- Do you need more parenting-type people in your current life? If so, why?
- Do you need fewer parenting people in your life? If so, why?
- What kinds of people do you want to have around you? For example, do you want people to listen to you and not interrupt? Do you want people to ask you what you think instead of voicing their own opinions and ignoring yours?
- How and what can you begin to teach or coach yourself so that you can meet those kinds of people?
- What do you need from other people that you could partially or completely fulfill by developing these characteristics in your new inner Parent (who then would function as an encouraging coach and not as a controlling, over-protective, or indifferent parent)?
Affirmations and Action
Again, recall your childhood and adolescence. What kind of affirmations were you given? Were the affirmations given for being the person you were or for doing particular things?
- Did you receive affirmations merely for “being,” such as, “I’m so glad you were born.”
- From whom?
- Did you receive affirmations for doing, such as, “You did a fine job with your homework?”
- From whom?
Consider the above patterns. Do you need new affirmations for being or doing?
Do you need affirmations so you will feel freer to pursue happiness? If so, what kind of affirmations would you need to give to yourself or hear from others?
A coach might say, “You can learn to do it, so get going.” Would that work for you? If so, how about saying it to yourself today—at least 10 times—”You can learn it, so get going”?
During ages three to seven, interest begins to shift from wanting autonomy to concern for “Who am I (as a boy or a girl)?” Awareness of one’s sexual identity becomes important. Boys tend to seek their mother’s attention; girls may act to get their fathers to notice them. Parents are often confused by a son’s remark that “I’m going to marry Mama when I grow up” or a daughter’s remark that “I wish Mama would go away so I could have Daddy to myself.” Another difficult crisis exists for children who did not happen to be born the “right” sex to please their parents. They are in the constant process of deciding what kind of person to be and developing a sense of purpose for living.
Expectations we have of ourselves are greatly influenced by the opinions we formulate about ourselves in childhood. We may think of ourselves as capable in some ways and not in others. When we achieve our positive expectations, we think of ourselves as successful.
