Intimacy versus isolation is the next developmental crisis. It is related to unresolved issues around trust or nontrust which begin to surface again between ages eighteen and thirty. “Dare I trust someone enough to be truly intimate, or shall I withdraw and insulate myself instead?” “Am I important enough so that someone will come if I need them?” “Will they accept me as I am with all my unresolved needs?” “If I love other people, will they eventually
Posts Tagged ‘person’
February18
The Power Of Love In Pursuit Of Happiness
February1
Change is a Process of Happiness
Throughout life our bodies change. In youth, the changes lead to increased strength and development. With aging, the changes often lead to decreased strength. Granted, to some degree, the health and development of our bodies are influenced by genetics. But they are also influenced by accidents, illnesses, and nutrition. Currently there is a widespread and growing cultural awareness of the influence of exercise. Exercise is used to increase bodily well-being and to restructure parts of the body.
There is less awareness that personality structure and restructuring may involve a similar cycle. Some personality traits seem to be genetically determined. Yet it is also clear that personality can be changed through traumatic experiences or training or the daily conditioning that people experience in their homes, schools, workplaces and
During ages three to seven, interest begins to shift from wanting autonomy to concern for “Who am I (as a boy or a girl)?” Awareness of one’s sexual identity becomes important. Boys tend to seek their mother’s attention; girls may act to get their fathers to notice them. Parents are often confused by a son’s remark that “I’m going to marry Mama when I grow up” or a daughter’s remark that “I wish Mama would go away so I could have Daddy to myself.” Another difficult crisis exists for children who did not happen to be born the “right” sex to please their parents. They are in the constant process of deciding what kind of person to be and developing a sense of purpose for living.
When children’s efforts at self-understanding and goal setting are misunderstood, punished, or
November6
Examining Friendships
How many real friends do you think that you have? That’s a question I have been thinking a lot about lately, have you ever posed the question to yourself? Think about it, are you popular? Kind of in between, maybe a little shy? Do you think that you have dozens of friends or maybe just a few? I would bet the answer would really surprise you if you thought about it. I guess the first thing to be is to define what a friend is, is it someone you just hang out with, if you’re a girl is it someone you shop with or if you’re a guy is it a golfing buddy? If you’re single, is it who you go out with, and if you’re married is it the couple or couples that you spend time with? I bet most people have experienced losing what they thought was a really good friend, the person somehow really disappointed them, maybe it was a betrayal of some kind. We have all been through it in one way or another, the “friend” didn’t act in the way you were certain that they would, some form of trust was broken. So the real question is, were they ever really a friend to begin with? Think about it, the truth is, we just really misjudged that person, they were most likely never the person we thought they were to begin with, people rarely change so this breach of friendship must have come from a character flaw that was always there. The truth is, we probably just didn’t see it, the other parts of the relationship hid the flaw, maybe they were great fun or really funny, or maybe they were the person who was always available to hang out with,or maybe the chemistry just mixed well. But when the pressure was on, when you needed that friend to deliver the real act of friendship, the character flaw emerged.
And in the end isn’t that what true friendship is really about? It’s about the character and trust that is needed when the pressure is on, maybe when its not so easy to be a friend, maybe when that person has to choose your friendship over something that might be important to them, or maybe something not even that important. So, my question is, how many friends do you have that are really like that? How many people will be there when you need them through thick and thin, and not just when it is convenient for them? How many people do you really trust to do the right thing when it is much easier to do the easy thing. I thought about this question, when I started I thought I had fifteen close friends, and about fifteen other friends. Of course it was being burned by one friend that started the process for me. I discovered I probably have far fewer true friends then I thought. I counted, at the beginning of the process I thought I had fifteen “real friends” by the end I was down to six, I realized I just couldn’t count on the others, if I really needed someone, if I was in trouble, who could I count on to be there for me? The number was six, the others are still my friends, I still enjoy their company, but at the end of the day I need to know who is going to be there for me. It was an interesting process, almost a cleansing, I think everyone should examine their friendships.
Peoples’s perceptions of themselves is a funny thing, very often it is diametrically opposed to what even the people closest to them think, friends, family, spouses often perceive you very differently then you perceive yourself. A case in point, the other day I was having dinner with one of my friends who is a good person and has a lot of great qualities. Unfortunately, sensitivity is not one of those qualities, she might be the least sensitive person I have ever met, basically she is a ” bull in a china shop’” I could give you endless examples but for time’s sake you will just have to take my word for it. As we were eating she made the comment ” and you know how sensitive I am,” honestly, I nearly choked when she said that in all earnest. Now, we all know this person, we all have that friend that really has no clue as to how they truly are, but the truth is while this case in point is an extreme example, self perception is usually off base.
Let me give you a few examples, most people think they are a lot smarter than they are, do you know anyone who says” I’m really not that bright, actually I’m kind of stupid.” And this is scientifically proven, when most people are asked to identify their intelligence levels and then given tests after, guess what? they usually score much lower than they estimated. Take the example of my friend above, if you were to ask most people if they are sensitive, what do you think they would say? And again, tests have shown people’s perception of their own sensitivity is far higher then they score on the test. Do you known anyone who says I’m ugly or not attractive?
Psychology today magazine has examined this phenomenon and they have come up with four spots. “Bright spots” which are known by you and others, things such as, you are out going, or a liberal. “Dark Spots” which are things not known by you or others, it may be something like what motivates you to compete, perhaps you are sub consciously trying to prove something to your father, for example. “Personal Spots” things that are known only to you, in my case I may seem fine at a party, but the truth is crowds may make very anxious. And finally “Blind Spots”,these are things known only by others and usually misconceived by ourselves, examples might be hostility, being overly defensive, or as mentioned earlier your intelligence or attractiveness.
The last two, “personal spots” and “bright spots” are the most relevant in how we perceive ourselves and how others view us. When we know something about ourselves that others are not privy to it very often leads to misconception. Shy people are often considered moody or arrogant because they don’t talk. In the absence of something positive most people perceive a negative even though that may not be the case. You may meet a shy person at a party, he just doesn’t say much, he is not rude or aggressive, he is simply quiet. In the absence of friendliness most people feel the person is unfriendly, although there is no such evidence to support that feeling. Meanwhile, the shy person feels he was totally nice, said hello, was polite, just not engaging, and he is surprised that the person he met felt he was arrogant. This is why out going and exuberant people are generally liked even though they may or may not be good people. They fill a void by promoting themselves and their personalities, they usually are likable so people have no room for interpretation, and most people don’t look for the “dark spots.”
So the question is how do you become more self aware? How do you get an accurate perception of yourself and change the misconceptions? The best way is talk to the people who know you best, the ones you trust. Find out what people really think about you and be willing to take some criticism. If it is your “personal spots” that lead to the misconception you can work on those. For instance, if you are shy you can practice looking people in the eye, perhaps try to be more engaging. If it is the “blind spots” that lead to the misconception then there may be a need for a self examination or a reality check. Communication is the key to any relationship, but to do that properly one must have an honest appraisal of his or herself, and then be able to communicate that to the other person in any form of relationship.
